Is God A Conspiracy Theory?
So lets say you are like me and dont have a strong belief that God exists. You dont (also like me) rule him out. But you dont fall to your knees on Sunday either.
So here is a quandary. Lets say there is a god, if you were God how would you act? What would YOU do about all this earthly stuff.
Lets say on your first day on the job as God, you only had one or two subjects lets call them, Oh Brad and Angelina just as a hypothetical. Pretty simple, you watch them constantly on youtube prancing around naked etc. Not a bad job really. I volunteer.
Now, you know at this point that you ARE god. There is no doubt in your mind although Brad and Angelina may doubt it, that's their problem.
You KNOW you are God and you have to behave in accordance with the responsibility that goes along with being God of anything or even the responsibility that goes along with making a car payment every month. Same thing kinda.
But would GOD be responsible? How would a being in total control of the world feel a responsibility to his mortal subjects? Why? Out of pity, out of love? Hmm not sure. Anyway work with me here.
God, if you arent in total control are you too busy playing 18 holes of intergalactic golf or what the fuck are you doing anyway?
Usually beings that have ANY control at all make a career of exercising it. So you are either fantastically bored of micro-management, you have skipped town spiritually or you are really in full control, or (as corporate mgmt practices go), you are delegating to some pretty cool mortal shit on Earth like the Pope and that really great mortgage broker I know and Hillary clinton and the cute girl at the taco stand that makes the best burritos ever and president Bush.
Anyway, you have control but you have a shitload of responsibility too man that sux but its cool because you have control too. Thats sweet.
But then all of a sudden you start to realize that the responsibility part is getting a little "stale" shall we say and we need some drama to keep it interesting.
"Hello, this is God, I cant answer the phone for the next 2000 years. Leave a message, Ill get back to you around apocalypse-ish."
Or optionally, "Leave a message, Ill get back to you after you blow yourself up for no reason and give you 50 virgins and 1500 bucks to your mom and a subscription to the greatest hits of the 70,s, 80,s and 90,s and a Scholarship to the University of Suicide Bombing Recruitment for Saudi Royals, otherwise known by its short name...
Ivy League".
But anyway, you ARE God, and apparently, as God you have not proven your identity sufficiently to the masses because they are all fighting over the same ground and calling you different stuff and using your nickname as an excuse to kill the other guy who calls you Joe. Man why dont they know your real name? Talk about identity theft! You need a press release.
They are all reading these wierd books YOU wrote about this and that and its all like similar and stuff about as different as watching 2000 episodes of Jay Leno which are all the same show. About as interesting as David Letterman handing off a corny joke to Paul, and these subjects you got man - Man they DONT GET IT AT ALL
Freaky. What do you do? The whole message is about as interesting as watching paint dry. So I ask you God, is watching paint dry while you load up your gun what you wanted us to know?
Ill wait for you to return my call but Im thinking that maybe...just maybe your whole rumoured existence, is just a bitch session for the people.
Maybe we invented you so that we would have someone to blame besides ourselves for being sick war-obsessed, power obsessed, lying cheating stealing filthy bastards.
Maybe we invented you God so we had a REASON. God are you a conspiracy theory?
All conspiracy theories are rooted in the same thing.
Bizarre, paranoid, or manipulative unscientific ways of providing an explanation for things humans cant deal with emotionally or understand rationally or (ideally) both.
Man we need that! I got a rat in my taco the other day and my wife was like SEE you shouldnt have grounded the DOG! Karma BABY!
Well, the dog shit on the carpet and I did ground it and made it sleep out back. But HEY! It was nice carpet. Anyway, my wife made up a conspiracy theory that my actions to the dog made the taco guy put a rat in my taco when what really happened is that the taco guy pissed off his wife and his wife put the rat parts in the refried beans when he wasnt looking! So the taco guy's wife is sleeping with my dog or what?
So WTF is THAT? When you explain shit like that you are a conspiracy theorist. Plain and simple. And since so much bad shit seems to swarm around religion I have to think that people are not looking for hope as much as they are an excuse.
A pathetic, fucking lazy, cheating lying excuse for why they are stupid, lazy cheating bastards who cant stand themselves and wont put in the effort to stop the killing, stop the hate, stop the destruction because we are too busy raping each other at the mall food court because little Cindy has to have a job even if that job requires her to charge 7.50 for a goddamn thawed frozen cookie my mom could make better for a shiny penny. So that she can pay for college to subsidize the free scholarship of the bastard who is going to fly a plane into her jetta and destroy her life in the name of the one true God. So that we can watch TV and forget about ourselves and wonder WHAT is God going to DO NEXT? Waiting for the sequel to the texts.
Waiting for someone else to fix it when we are the problem. good luck God.
We are all secretly hoping you will fail so we can blame it on you.
(Alternatively if you succeed remember we were pulling for ya!)
So here is a quandary. Lets say there is a god, if you were God how would you act? What would YOU do about all this earthly stuff.
Lets say on your first day on the job as God, you only had one or two subjects lets call them, Oh Brad and Angelina just as a hypothetical. Pretty simple, you watch them constantly on youtube prancing around naked etc. Not a bad job really. I volunteer.
Now, you know at this point that you ARE god. There is no doubt in your mind although Brad and Angelina may doubt it, that's their problem.
You KNOW you are God and you have to behave in accordance with the responsibility that goes along with being God of anything or even the responsibility that goes along with making a car payment every month. Same thing kinda.
But would GOD be responsible? How would a being in total control of the world feel a responsibility to his mortal subjects? Why? Out of pity, out of love? Hmm not sure. Anyway work with me here.
God, if you arent in total control are you too busy playing 18 holes of intergalactic golf or what the fuck are you doing anyway?
Usually beings that have ANY control at all make a career of exercising it. So you are either fantastically bored of micro-management, you have skipped town spiritually or you are really in full control, or (as corporate mgmt practices go), you are delegating to some pretty cool mortal shit on Earth like the Pope and that really great mortgage broker I know and Hillary clinton and the cute girl at the taco stand that makes the best burritos ever and president Bush.
Anyway, you have control but you have a shitload of responsibility too man that sux but its cool because you have control too. Thats sweet.
But then all of a sudden you start to realize that the responsibility part is getting a little "stale" shall we say and we need some drama to keep it interesting.
"Hello, this is God, I cant answer the phone for the next 2000 years. Leave a message, Ill get back to you around apocalypse-ish."
Or optionally, "Leave a message, Ill get back to you after you blow yourself up for no reason and give you 50 virgins and 1500 bucks to your mom and a subscription to the greatest hits of the 70,s, 80,s and 90,s and a Scholarship to the University of Suicide Bombing Recruitment for Saudi Royals, otherwise known by its short name...
Ivy League".
But anyway, you ARE God, and apparently, as God you have not proven your identity sufficiently to the masses because they are all fighting over the same ground and calling you different stuff and using your nickname as an excuse to kill the other guy who calls you Joe. Man why dont they know your real name? Talk about identity theft! You need a press release.
They are all reading these wierd books YOU wrote about this and that and its all like similar and stuff about as different as watching 2000 episodes of Jay Leno which are all the same show. About as interesting as David Letterman handing off a corny joke to Paul, and these subjects you got man - Man they DONT GET IT AT ALL
Freaky. What do you do? The whole message is about as interesting as watching paint dry. So I ask you God, is watching paint dry while you load up your gun what you wanted us to know?
Ill wait for you to return my call but Im thinking that maybe...just maybe your whole rumoured existence, is just a bitch session for the people.
Maybe we invented you so that we would have someone to blame besides ourselves for being sick war-obsessed, power obsessed, lying cheating stealing filthy bastards.
Maybe we invented you God so we had a REASON. God are you a conspiracy theory?
All conspiracy theories are rooted in the same thing.
Bizarre, paranoid, or manipulative unscientific ways of providing an explanation for things humans cant deal with emotionally or understand rationally or (ideally) both.
Man we need that! I got a rat in my taco the other day and my wife was like SEE you shouldnt have grounded the DOG! Karma BABY!
Well, the dog shit on the carpet and I did ground it and made it sleep out back. But HEY! It was nice carpet. Anyway, my wife made up a conspiracy theory that my actions to the dog made the taco guy put a rat in my taco when what really happened is that the taco guy pissed off his wife and his wife put the rat parts in the refried beans when he wasnt looking! So the taco guy's wife is sleeping with my dog or what?
So WTF is THAT? When you explain shit like that you are a conspiracy theorist. Plain and simple. And since so much bad shit seems to swarm around religion I have to think that people are not looking for hope as much as they are an excuse.
A pathetic, fucking lazy, cheating lying excuse for why they are stupid, lazy cheating bastards who cant stand themselves and wont put in the effort to stop the killing, stop the hate, stop the destruction because we are too busy raping each other at the mall food court because little Cindy has to have a job even if that job requires her to charge 7.50 for a goddamn thawed frozen cookie my mom could make better for a shiny penny. So that she can pay for college to subsidize the free scholarship of the bastard who is going to fly a plane into her jetta and destroy her life in the name of the one true God. So that we can watch TV and forget about ourselves and wonder WHAT is God going to DO NEXT? Waiting for the sequel to the texts.
Waiting for someone else to fix it when we are the problem. good luck God.
We are all secretly hoping you will fail so we can blame it on you.
(Alternatively if you succeed remember we were pulling for ya!)
posted by tal at 2:18 AM
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